Several years ago I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. I was in constant pain. I mean CONSTANT PAIN. Everything within and without hurt. Depression became a constant companion and a fatigue that went straight to my bones took up residency in my body. It was so hard to think about anything or anyone else besides my own self; let alone my marriage.
HOWEVER, I know that I am a three-part person. I am a spirit. I have a soul (mind, will, and emotions), and I live in a body. And even though my body may feel horrible, my body is NOT who I am. It is only my earth tent. Pain or even the diagnosis of a certain dis-ease does not define who I am!!
Since I am a spirit, I know that I must feed my spirit, just like I feed my body. The food that I feed my spirit is the word of God. I must read the bible every day and let it nourish me. I must hear from God and begin to think His thoughts or I will perpetuate this darkness.
Well, one day when I was in excruciating pain, I decided to go out to my patio to sit and meditate (think about over and over) on this scripture:
We love him, because he first loved us.
1 John 4:19
A lightbulb came on and I started to “get” it. I started to understand a small measure of God’s love towards us.
Like I said at the beginning, when you are in constant pain, it is so hard to think of anything or anyone besides yourself and the pain that you feel. During the season when the pain was so intense, my marriage got very little attention. It was rare for me to even ask my husband how his day was. Yet, even though this was the norm, I watched his love towards me grow and increase. When I couldn’t move, he would get anything and everything I needed. He would even anticipate what I wanted and bring it to me before I asked. He loved me with actions and words, time and time and time again. His love became a consistent model of God’s love towards me. This love saturated my heart and began to crack open the most hardened parts. When I couldn’t love him fully, his love for me never wavered. It became a beautiful picture of the scripture above.
Then, one day, when my heart was full of his love, and truly, only God knows when that was…I started responding to him. I wanted to know how his day was and I wanted to know what was going on with him. I started cooking for him and cleaning the house with joy again. I was able to love him, even in the midst of pain, because…he…first…loved…me.
For whatever reason, you may be in a season of selfishness right now. If so, don’t beat yourself up; just recognize this is where you are and begin to talk to your Father about it. Don’t be in a hurry and don’t try to FIX it. Sit in His presence and BeLoved Completely. As He saturates you with His love, your heart will eventually begin to expand and you WILL begin to love Him back. His love is the only key to unlock your heart that has become hardened because of situations and circumstances. You can have a life that is full and satisfying. You can live a life that is focused on others, but it starts with a simple act of letting Him love you first. His love massages, soothes, and heals your heart. Let Him first love you! He thinks you are worth it!!!